What holds us back? Our fears, right? If we will jot down our biggest fears, then one thing will be common- the fear of being judged – the same cheesy lines- “Log Kya Kahenge?”. When I started getting clicked, I was so conscious of every eye staring at me even if they weren’t related to me. I don’t have a personal studio so Sunlight was the best source of light for clicking my pics. Initially, I used to go to my terrace, I preferred afternoon time so that fewer people will be free to judge me. Gradually, I became a bit comfortable and came down from the terrace and started shooting in my apartment’s play area and garden and then moved to the parallel road and very soon you may find me facing a professional photographer.
By the way, today I am here to write about my another fear. The fear of answering the question when someone asks me what I do? One day when someone asked my son about me then he told “Mumma is a chef because she makes tasty food. No .. no! I think she is a painter because she helps me in painting”. He was so excited to answer this question but when someone asks me the same, then my mind time travels 2 years back and I wonder should I mention that what I was doing 2 years back? or should I say housewife or should I say, blogger. Since last 2 years, I have always tried to avoid answering this question.And those who personally knows me,I tried to avoid updating them about my current job status.
Going into flashback, 2 years ago I used to sit in an AC cabin, people hovering all around my table , some waiting outside and I used to have a powerful signature and was drawing a handsome salary and allowances and I could have rightfully said “hum jahan khade ho jate hain, line wahin se shuru hoti hai.” and I had my name plate written as Jyoti Verma, Deputy Manager(Advances). Yes! folks I am working as a deputy manager in SBI but haven’t gone to the office since last 2 years.
2 years back I got promoted as a scale 2 officer, I was presented with a rural posting. And by trying all types of permutation and combination, the only way out there for me was to stay there alone leaving my kid with my husband or at my parent’s place, which is again 2000 km away. After going through a period of depression, struggle and mental trauma, finally I decided to resign. Although my resignation is not yet accepted but 99% chances are there that I am not going back there.
Now lets come to the point that what was my fear? Simple! “log kya kahenge?” and my fear was real for sure. since last 2 years, I have been listening to things like “but why?”, “it’s a bad decision” please rethink” ” its a tough world, you will have to struggle to earn this much money outside.”, ” you should have managed/adjusted”,” I thought you are ambitious but..”,” you haven’t seen the real struggle”, ” lots of people do this, why can’t you?” And on top of all this, “will you be able to get a job again?”
There wasn’t a single person who supported my decision except for my husband and my parents. In this strange world, even a stranger would come up with such strange words that you would feel as if you are a loser. Exactly! I was made to feel like a loser.I started avoiding my friends and colleagues. I started telling (new)people that I am a full-time mom and I don’t have any professional work experience. Even I receive a lot of queries from my friends and followers from social media about my profession, but I never told them for the fear of being judged as a loser.
But today I have no qualms of being judged. I have left the job on my own terms. I am no loser to crack the exam for which appx. 1 bn Indians are appearing this year to compete for 2000 seats. I am not any less ambitious to prioritise my kid over my job. Being born to a working mother, I know how it feels when you come home from school and don’t find your mom at home. I was lucky enough to born in a joint family, so it didn’t bothered me that much but yes! somewhere in my heart, I wished my mother to stay at home.
I should have struggled?? but why? at what cost? I know a lot of my c who get to talk with their kids only the next morning because, by the time they reach home, the kid would have slept.”But a lot of people manage like this for money, why can,t you?” By God’s grace, we are living a happy life and as you know greed has no limit. I chose my happiness over money.
Overall I just want to say, it wasn’t easy for me either. I went through a phase of depression and sleepless nights.I tried hard to get into that job and I worked even harder in the job. I was doing pretty well in my professional life.I used to meet new people every day. And I got immense satisfaction to process loans for the genuine and the needy. The ending might have been bitter but believe me, there were a lot of good memories. You can say I was emotionally attached to the job amidst all the hardships.
Today I have overcome all this. I have overcome the fear of quitting a job and being called jobless. Today I have no regrets, I feel more happy to receive appreciation mail and messages from my readers then those salary credit messages. I have overcome the fear of being judged,I am no more afraid of taking the risk. I am no more ashamed of opting blogging over a well-settled PSU job…and I am no more scared of living my dreams!!!
“Too many of us are not living our dreams,
…because we are living our fears”